


Whiskey, Cigarettes and Sin

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:02:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26216098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	Whiskey, Cigarettes and Sin

Mary’s mouth tastes like whiskey, cigarettes, and sin. 

Everyone thinks Lilith is cold, ambitious, and she knows that. She accepts that. They think it means that she doesn’t hurt, that she doesn’t ache, that she doesn’t long for those simple human comforts that others do. 

Mary knows better. Mary knows her. That’s why she’s here, now, in the middle of the night, in her bed. In a moment, Mary will wake up all the way, and realize that it’s Lilith beside her, kissing her, and not Shannon. She will get angry and tell her to leave. But for now, she’s in a semi-waking dream state and it’s just soft, it’s just comfort. It’s something Lilith can give Mary, because she can’t bring Shannon back. 

Lilith knows she's taking, a little. But Mary’s arms are strong, and her breath is warm, and she holds Lilith in a way that she needs right now. That they both need. Mary will be angry, but she will understand, too. 

She hopes. 

“Shannon,” Mary mumbles sleepily. Mary’s arm encircles her waist and draws her tighter. Lilith moans at being pressed against her, and this sound is finally what brings her all the way conscious. 

She draws back and her brow furrows. “Lily? What the hell are you doing?” 

“I’m sorry,” Lilith says instantly. What else can she say? 

“Shannon’s body isn’t even cold yet,” Mary reproaches, blinking the sleep out of her eyes, and she withdraws her arms and scoots backwards in the bed. 

“You don’t understand,” Lilith says, and a little sob ambushes her, up from the depths of her chest. 

It’s not quite anger, the look that Mary gives her. The moon spills in and catches the contours of her face, her lips, and Lilith considers that with all Mary’s toughness and swagger, it’s easy for some people to miss how beautiful she really is. 

“Why don’t you help me understand, then.” There is a quiet danger in her tone, a warning: she’s not angry yet, she’s ready to let Lilith say something that will make this alright. The unspoken words here:  _ I don’t want to be angry at you. _

Lilith grips Mary’s shoulder. “I could never replace Shannon. I’m not trying. I wouldn’t. I just came to comfort you. Not take advantage.” 

Mary stares at her, skeptical. 

“I’m hurting too, Mary. I don’t want anything from you, I promise, I don’t. I just… I understand. I… I loved Shannon too, you know.” 

“Not like I did,” Mary says. Her voice is raw. She probably spent hours sobbing before she went to sleep. 

“Perhaps not as… intimately,” Lilith says carefully. “But yes, like you did.” 

Mary shakes her head. 

“I loved her,” Lilith insists. “And you. And I denied myself both, because I wanted the Halo. And now, I don’t have that, and I don’t have you, and she’s gone…” 

Heartbreak comes in two colors, black and blue, and Lilith’s bruised heart can’t keep itself from speaking anymore. 

Mary’s face is hard to see clearly, but her energy, her muscles, they relax a little. “Those are some complicated feelings you’ve got there,” she finally says. 

Lilith catches her breath. “I just came in here because I wanted to be near you. I wanted to comfort you, and I wanted to… I didn’t intend to start… anything. In your half-asleep state, you took me for Shannon and you kissed me, and I… I didn’t want you to stop.” 

Mary chuckles silently. “Well, I’ve been known to have that effect on women.” 

“Please,” Lilith scoffs. An awkward silence falls. Guilt overcomes Lilith. “I… should go.” 

Mary strokes her face. “Nah. You should stay.” She turns over in the bed, and draws Lilith’s arm around her waist. 

“Are you sure?” Lilith asks in a small voice. 

“It’s better if we’re not alone,” Mary says. “I can’t give you anything now except to be a warm body who gets what you’re going through, but if that’s enough, I could use the same thing.” 

Lilith decides to content herself with this. Mary is the only one who understands the scale of the loss she feels right now.

“Lily, listen,” Mary mumbles tiredly, “I can’t think about you and me like that, not now.” 

“Of course.” 

“Sh. Listen. I said not now. Doesn’t mean never. I need time to close the wound, and it sounds like you do too.”

Shannon had come in like a fiery angel and Lilith had struggled not to let herself get swept up in a passion for her, prayed hard to banish anything like feelings of longing for her. The Halo going to Shannon had cut Lilith, but never did quite quell the wanting she had felt. The thicket of longing, resentment, admiration, it had never really been cleared away, and despite herself, the loss leaves a gouge in her. 

“If we ever do become lovers, you know that’s a sin,” Lilith ventures, more telling herself than Mary. 

“Yeah,” Mary grunts. “So I’m told. But everything’s a sin. That’s Catholicism, baby girl.” 

Lilith curls up against Mary’s back and finds the rhythm of her breathing. “I love you,” she says, “as my sister, and that’s not a sin.” 

“I love you too.” 

Mary’s mouth tastes like cigarettes, whiskey, and sin. Her hair smells like cocoa butter, her bed smells like Shannon. She feels Mary’s breath shudder with silent crying, and Lilith lets her own tears escape. This is the palest shadow of what she wants. But for now, she decides, it’s enough.


End file.
